It's not a bad thing to be respected. In fact, as women in today's society we should expect to be respected. We should not be looked upon as lesser or weaker, or not as deserving.
That is, unless we want to.
Really, I am talking about this in a sexual way. But even so, I don't feel like I should be using the word "respected". If you like being the submissive partner or the bottom in your relationship, you should still be respected, so that isn't really what I mean.
Let me start at the beginning of my thought process. I was speaking with a few acquaintances at a party. I started talking to one woman about her current boyfriend. She described him as respectful. But she said it in a way that made you think he had foot fungus or genital warts. She scrunched up her face and said, "Tom is very respectful." And then she rolled her eyes.
Me and the other woman we were talking to let that sink in a moment. Then we were like, "What?"
"You know, like, in bed."
Immediately we understood what she meant. She didn't want him to be so nice. Maybe she wanted it a little rough. Maybe she needed it a little dirtier. But the thing was, she didn't feel like she was getting what she wanted. He's a great guy, she assured us, but this part was lacking for her and she seemed resigned. She either stays with great guy and has lackluster 'respectful' sex, or she can explore her options.
"Did you tell him what you wanted?" This seemed like a no-brainer to me. I am a girl who's husband previously thought she was prude about everything and now we are having amazingly kinky sex. But sometimes I forget what a big leap that was.
She looked horrified at this prospect. But then the other woman we were talking to piped up. "Oh yeah, you can make them stop that."
I nodded my head in agreement. I wasn't about to divulge all of our kinky secrets, but I could let her know enough that I was getting the sex I craved.
She looked back at us with wide-eyes. "What do you mean?"
"Well, Drew and I have been married for three years and I just convinced him to choke me."
I nearly spit my drink out, she said this so matter of factly that it made me want to cheer. Having been in her position and accidentally over-shared once or twice while under the influence, I didn't want her to feel alone. So I agreed and said that if you keep asking for what you want then your significant other might surprise you.
She looked skeptical.
"Email him the dirty things you want him to do to you," I helpfully supplied. I told her that sometimes, especially in the beginning, I would email Mr. McKay even if we were sitting in the same room. Okay, sure, if I am wanting to do kinky things I should be able to say them out loud. But sometimes it's hard, especially when you are just bringing them up. Even when you love someone (especially when you love someone) the fear of rejection and ridicule can be crippling.
You don't want to be laughed at or called a freak. Hopefully, if you are in a committed and trusting relationship this won't be an issue. I jumped in with both feet. I told my husband of a year (who also happened to be my friend for more than ten years) that I wanted him to spank me. That I couldn't live my entire life having the kind of sex we were having. It was scary. But it turned out great.
It all comes down to trust. I trust this man with my heart. I trust him with my car and our finances. I trust him to feed our cats and not dry my bras when he's on laundry duty. I trust him with all of these every day things, why would I be scared about trusting him with my sexual desires?
Should you date or even marry someone who doesn't respect you? No. But is it so hard to trust someone to respect you enough to call you a slut in the bedroom? I don't think so.
Oh Casey , great post. I have been married for thirty three years and I can and do ask my husband anything. Bringing up the whole spanking thing was in the end surprisingly easy. he already knew my taste in literature was a bit risque and so I think when I said I would like to be spanked he thought about it for a bit and jumped right on in a couple of weeks later. he is what your friend would call respectful I imagine and it was a shock to his system to suddenly find himself in possession of a kinky wife after thirty years. If your friend is as young as you tell her to do it now and not wait thirty years like I did!! I wish I had been at that party, I find myself longing to tell everyone and unable to do so because of circumstances. How I wish this was a mainstream lifestyle!! sigh...
ReplyDeletelove Jan,xx
Hi Jan! I didn't share details of what happens in our bedroom, I just encouraged her to ask for what she wanted. My husband is also extremely respectful (which, yes, is actually a good thing), I think it also surprised him how kinky I turned out to be! I didn't wait 30 years though, I don't know how you did it.
DeleteI was mad! It wasn't until the kids were grown and life was more about us that hey presto!! You are lucky, starting before the kids arrive ,hopefully you will be able to carry on this malarkey for always.xx
DeleteI 💗 this post!! It's so true. It's funny how when you talk about a man being respectful outside of the bedroom it's w/ cooing praise, but once it's uttered about in the bedroom it becomes "respectful" and everyone is like, "Ooohhh, you poor thing. I'm sorry." *cue sympathetic head tilt*
ReplyDeleteI think you can request a little disrespectfulness though. It's definitely better to have a super nice guy all the time and then just ask him to do dirty things to you. I would imagine it's much harder in reverse. "Could you stop being a dick for five minutes and tell me you love me?" Yeah, don't marry that guy.
DeleteAs a man with a spanking fetish, this post was very interesting to me because I immediately identified with Tom from your anecdote. Like him, I was always "very respectful" in bed, and my ex-girlfriend disliked that level of respectfulness in a sexual context just as much as Tom's girlfriend did, for the same reasons. Although I cannot possibly speak for Tom, I know that in my own case, a major reason for my excessive respectfulness in the bedroom was the intense shame I felt regarding my spanking fetish. I was raised to believe that men should respect women and that men who hit women are despicable. I could not find a way to reconcile these beliefs with my desire to spank women, so I suppressed this desire. The discrepancy between my beliefs regarding the way men should treat women and my sexual desire to spank women continued to torment me for years, even after my ex and I ended our relationship. I still struggle with it from time to time, but attending spanking parties and other kinky events where I had the opportunity to spank women who enjoyed being spanked just as much as I enjoyed spanking them drastically reduced the shame I felt about my spanking fetish. The problematic type of respectfulness I used to exhibit in sexual contexts greatly diminished as a result. I mention my situation here only to point out that if a man displays an excessive, unwanted, and unnecessary level of respectfulness in the bedroom, he may be doing so because he is suppressing a fetish or kinky desire that conflicts with his beliefs about how men should treat women.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand and I get that. I think my point is both partners should be able to express their sexual desires. In this case I think you are talking about becoming okay with your kink before sharing it with a partner and I totally understand that too! Finding other people with the same kinks and interest does help, I'm glad your exploring this side of yourself.
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