Everyone Goes Home a Winner

Mr. McKay took me out for a fun night on Friday. We went to one of the bars we frequent and they were hosting a Sex Toy Bingo night. It was very cool, they had it all set up with long tables like a Bingo hall. It was just a fun and laid back vibe. The prizes for each round were different sex toys ranging from the ridiculous (inflatable sheep with penetrable orifices) to the practical (a rabbit vibrator).

We arrived after Bingo already started so we ended up settling towards the back in an out of the way spot. We were sipping on our drinks listening to the "fun facts" one of the hosts kept sharing throughout the game (Did you know white women who have college degrees are more likely to partake in anal sex than other women? Neither did I, but it explains a lot about me. Also I have no idea if any of these facts were true.) and they announce the prize for the next round: a strap on!

Mr. McKay nearly spits his drink, he looks at me and says, "Well, we don't need that."

Of course we don't need that, we wouldn't have needed an inflatable sheep either, but it's Bingo. It's a game! And I want to win! 

I really wasn't trying to win. I was half listening to the numbers being called out and half carrying on a conversation with the hubs when I look down and realize I need one more number to make Bingo. My palms get a little sweaty, I can almost taste the victory. And that is when I realize that I am a competitive asshole. It really does not matter what I'm playing, what the prize is, or even if there is a prize- I want to WIN!

I'm about to ask Mr. McKay if I should bother claiming the prize if I win- I mean maybe someone else had their heart set on that strap on- when the number I need is called. I freeze. I give Mr. McKay a wide eyed look and he immediately yells at me to scream Bingo and go claim my prize. And that is the moment I realized that he likes to win just as much as I do- which means he gets me, but also explains why playing Mario Baseball nearly ends up with us in divorce court because he always picks that stupid whore Princess Daisy who can hit home runs without even trying, but I digress.

I end up shooting from my chair and screaming BINGO! so loud that the entire bar turns and looks in my direction. The hosts wave me up towards the stage where they are holding my prize. Suddenly I feel like my face is engulfed in flames, did I really just get up in front of a room of people to gleefully accept my strap on?? They hand me my prize and sex fact lady tells me if I have a special man then I can participate in some "pegging" then she's all, "Do you know what that is?" Uh, yeah, I know what that is.

The walk back to my seat is a little surreal as I hold my prize proudly in front of me. Mr. McKay is doubled over in laughter, but is sure to tell everyone who ends up talking to us that this is in no way going anywhere near him. He even goes as far as to add that we are going to give it to our friend who is getting married for a gag gift. He's already giving my prize away!!

I emailed Aubrey Cara when I got home and mentioned my big win. I also told her how Mr. McKay was equal parts amused and horrified. She told me I should wave it at him while I shake a bottle of sleeping pills and tell him to "Sleep well".

Genius! I cracked up. Mr. McKay also thought it was funny, but gave me a leery look.

The next morning we get up and we're cleaning the house for the St. Patrick's Day party we are throwing, when I realize in my haste to get inside last night I left the strap on laying on the backseat of my car! Not sure how many of my neighbors saw that in our communal parking lot, but let me tell you this, walking around with a strap on at 1am is entirely different than it is at 11am when you're trying to dart into the house in broad daylight.

I get into the house without being seen (I think) and I tell Mr. McKay I'm going to take it upstairs so our party guests with young children don't have to have uncomfortable conversations. Then I linger at the bottom of the stairs and kind of wave it around and say, "I'm going to put it on your pillow." I raise my eyebrows suggestively. 

I turn to run before he can retaliate, but not before he yells out, "If I find sleeping pills by my pillow you're in trouble!"

That gives me pause. What kind of trouble I wonder? And I can't get the silly grin off my face for the rest of that day. Because, after all, I am a big winner!