The Point Where the Crazy Takes Over

Something happened last week, something I think probably every sexually active female ever can relate to. I freaked out and thought I was pregnant.

I took the test, early one morning, before work- because how could I get through the day with this niggling at my mind? I peed on a stick (and my hand, mostly), but I got one little line that told me it was okay. I'm not pregnant.

I cried. Relief? Maybe. Regret? Maybe. Pent up, crazy emotions. Mostly.

It had been a rough 48 hours. 

I was in the shower (most of my stories start in the shower as this is where I think, far too much). I'm sudsing up and deciding what I should do about this nagging headache. This headache I have had for about two weeks now. Not an awful headache, just an ever present ache that never really leaves. I start thinking about what can cause this... you see my line of thinking?

Throw in the replaying of every woman's pregnancy story ever that has given me all the gory details. Did you know you can still get your period when you're pregnant?? Did you know my own mother-in-law had no idea for four months that she was pregnant with my husband?? Sudden, secret pregnancy could be hereditary!

Aside from being 32 and in a loving marriage with the love of my life- whom I fully intend on producing offspring with, now is not the time. When we got engaged and then married and sketched out our timeline of life events we thought by this point, yeah, we'd probably have a baby. But things change, plans change, we talk, we reassess and we (rather recently) had another conversation about timelines and plans and got on the same page.

You should also understand that I live in a constant state of worry that the over precautions we take (mostly at the insistence of my husband- the 'surprise baby' himself) are all for nothing. I feel like it would be the ultimate joke on us that we have been so insanely careful to not spawn offspring for so long that we'll eventually find out my uterus is actually a barren wasteland. That I could have saved myself the time of taking a pill everyday because we could have just been raw dogging it and using condom money on something more fun.

See how unprepared I was for my mind to fly to the complete other side of the spectrum? One day- barren wasteland. Next day- convinced I am at least six weeks pregnant (by my calculations of that one time we maybe had vaginal penetration with no barrier between us).

Valentine's Day 2015. Also the day I have a shower revelation and convince myself every single thing happening with my body is due to pregnancy. Headache, tiredness, and irritability. My pants are tight. I've been more flighty than usual. I've cried more.

I walk around in a fog for most of Saturday. We have dinner with friends. I laugh and smile and push the crazy feelings down. By Sunday morning I have convinced myself that I am the most horrible person on the planet. I try to add up how many times I got a little tipsy the past few months, and how often I drank without being tipsy, and- oh, dear god, I've been playing roller derby! I have been playing a full contact sport and putting my body through way more than one should be if they are with child. Already I am the worst mother ever and I am not even certain I am a mother. 

It's Sunday afternoon at this point and I have been withdrawn and irritable all day. 'What's up?' my sweet, unassuming husband wants to know.

"I need you to tell me I'm being crazy!" I all but shout at him.

So I pour out everything of the past day, all my thoughts and emotions, starting with the shower revelation. Fully expecting him to laugh it off, tell me I'm insane and hand me a beer.

But instead the color drains from his face. And I can see the wheels turning. No. No. No. You are supposed to be the sane one!

We start trying to remember- when was that time we were fooling around on the couch, no condoms in reach? Did I miss a pill that week? Not that long ago... did you come? No? I mean, what's the rules on pre-cum and pregnancy? "You had your period!" he yells out, suddenly as if he has just discovered electricity. 

I sadly trample on his new found hope with my "horror stories of pregnancy periods".

"Don't Google anything!" He tells me. He's really telling himself. I am almost positive if I checked his internet history it would have 'signs of brain tumor' multiple times in his Google searches. The internet gives you the worst case scenario on everything. Valuable tool, yes, but if you want to enter a health situation with a modicum of sanity left then do not venture over to Web MD.

At this point I am on the verge of tears. My life as I know it, is over. 

My husband looks over at me, seeing my panicked state of hyper emotional turmoil and says, "Hey, it's going to be fine."

He's completely unconvincing as he looks like he's going to vomit, but I take his words to heart. It is going to be fine. He pulls me into a great big bear hug and I allow myself to breathe a little easier.

The rest of our night is a fog. We meet up with a friend, plans we had prior to our crisis. We try to act normal and I mentally rearrange pieces of our life. We could make this work. It is not the ultimate plan, but if it were to happen, we would be fine.

I think of friends that are trying to conceive, the heartbreak that brings. I think of my gay friends who are already saving for their in-vitro sessions and the headache of planning out each minute detail. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

I can do this, we can do this. So I go out the next morning and buy some coffee and breakfast and a pregnancy test (you know, the usual "Can I have my muffin with a side of First Response?").

Three short (the longest) minutes of my life to tell me what I can expect.

One line. I am not pregnant.

Who knows what those tears were for? I'd be lying to say I wasn't relieved. But I would also be lying if I said a part of me wasn't excited.

Anyway, I am back to thinking I am a barren wasteland. Also I need to lay off the chocolate so my pants will fit. And I have a sinus headache that was easily remedied with the neti pot and some OTC meds.

You know, just your usual weekend.