I'm Not the Same Girl I Used to Be

Did spanking give me confidence?

This is the question I have been asking myself for the past week.

I never thought of myself as someone who lacked confidence. Yes, I have always wanted people to like me. I have always been nervous meeting new people. But that's just normal human stuff, right? I never thought of myself as needing more confidence. I am hardly a doormat and never have been.

One of my friends on facebook created a private group for my graduating college class- ten years later. 

So began the thread- "What have you all been up to?" What have I been up to?

Suddenly I am sent back in time to a younger, earlier version of myself where my palms are sweating and I am trying to think of the right way to answer this question because these people are judging me. They ARE judging me!

Then present version of me says to younger version of me, "They aren't judging you, and you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have a damn good life."

Facebook stalking my former classmates and reading their banter back and forth hurtled me back in time. I am embarrassed to say I was always trying so hard to get them to like me. To the point where I don't really think I was even being me.

I mentioned this to my husband. Something to the effect of- I don't think these people would even know me anymore, I think I changed a lot.

Do you know what he said, he is so wise, "Of course you changed. That was ten years ago. Who hasn't changed in ten years?"

Then I asked him how he thinks I have changed specifically. I wasn't sure if he would answer, even to my ears it sounded like a possible trap question. But I don't ask questions unless I want honest answers and he knows that about me by now. So he thought about it for a minute or two and then he said:

"You're way more confident."

Surprise- I am? 

"Yeah, and much happier."

Interesting. What could be making me so much more confident and happy? What are the things in my life that have changed in the past ten years?

Really, my husband was talking more about the last year. So even from a year ago at this point he thinks I am way more confident and happy.

Which is weird because I always considered myself a confident and happy person, but I guess now I am even more so.

So what is the change?

My husband says writing. It makes sense. It's a creative outlet, I write almost everyday. Before I dabbled here and there but never really gave myself the time, now I do.

I go back to: Is it the spanking?

Okay, maybe not the actual act of spanking (although, that does make me pretty damn happy).

But knowing what I like and having those needs met? Maybe it's the whole community that comes along with it.

Weird, that I found myself under a pen name. There's some food for thought.

I used to be under the impression that I bloomed in college, looking back now, I know I was wrong. I think I am blossoming now, ten years later, and I don't know if I am done yet.