How Do You Get a Feminist to Spank You?

I've never really described myself as a feminist but I think that is mostly because I am in my early 30's and I am a woman... how could I not be a feminist? No one ever asked before so I never told them.

Someone gave me flack about taking my husband's name after we were married. I thought it was strange for this person to accuse me of being anti-feminist because I changed my last name. Their argument was it was an antiquated tradition. Well the reason was I grew up with an Italian last name that no one could pronounce. Let me also say that I do not look Italian at all, so to take my husband's Irish, easy to pronounce and spell, last name seemed like a nice way to simplify things.

Accusing me of being anti-feminist when you don't even know my reasons is pretty ignorant. Accusing anyone of standing for or against something without knowing their reasons is also judgmental. I didn't view my taking my husband's last name as anti-feminist because I know I am not, just like asking my husband to spank me does not feel anti-feminist to me. In both cases it was my decision. I am the one who initiated both things.

I will tell you the problem I have with feminism in a relationship where you are trying to integrate spanking. When you have a man as the spanker and he is asked to spank the female (as is my case) and he is a feminist and it just doesn't seem right to him.

When I first revealed my spanking kink to my husband he was quick to reassure me that he didn't think I was weird and that he was totally okay with it. Great! I tell him what I want, he's okay with it, this should be easy!

Wrong. Very wrong. It seems we both had different ideas of what 'spanking' meant. To my husband this was smacking me once or twice while we were having sex. Although, I will take it where I can get it, this is not really what I meant. So after talking to him, trying to express a little more of what I wanted, reassuring him that I at least wanted to try, and still getting nowhere- I realized our problem. My husband, stubborn and commanding as he can be in everyday life, very much would leave anything going on in the bedroom up to me. This has been since forever. We met in high school when I was a sweet, innocent, good girl. And I stayed that way, mostly because my husband never pressed anything. Things only progressed when I took them to another level, he was never the initiator. It was drilled into his head from a young age to be nice to girls. Not to take advantage, not to make them feel less than him, always listen to them, and treat them as equals.

This is great. This was especially great when we were younger and I never felt like things were going to go further than I was comfortable with. If I started to get freaked out or nervous I trusted him to stop and he did, I could always count on him to put my needs first. I am sure this is what led to me marrying him. We are a team, we are equals, he listens when I have something to say. Sure, he makes a lot of the decisions, mostly because I don't want to, or I ask him to, but that is just how we work. He has the more dominant personality... until we get in the bedroom.

So how do you get a feminist to spank you? By asking very nicely. And reassuring that this is not changing anything between you. It's been a lot of talking, and a lot of communicating, and I think we are making a lot of headway.

There have been a few blips. Like when we decided to try some implements out instead of just his hand. Apparently the wooden spoon was not a good one to start with. We weren't very far when I squeaked out an “Ow!”

And we were done. He completely shut down. He couldn't get over the fact that he had hurt me. Even though I tried to explain multiple times that it didn't really hurt, there was no lasting damage, and I asked him to do it. I told him it was okay and his response was, “No, it's not okay.”

He looked so guilt ridden it made me feel awful. Ending our night with him feeling guilty for hurting me and me feeling guilty for asking him to was not really how I had planned things to turn out. So we talked about it, and talked some more. And emailed about it (yes, we emailed about it). It came down to this- he feels like a jerk when he takes the lead in the bedroom (apparently this same feeling does not kick in when he is criticizing the way I drive- but that is neither here nor there), but I feel turned on when he takes over.

I have made it clear that what happens in the bedroom (or the living or bathroom for that matter) has no bearing on my view of him. I know I am his equal, we are a team, but I am giving him all control sexually and I love it. It's been baby steps. He doesn't stop anymore if I say “ow” (although I would rather bite my lip until I draw blood than say that again). But now he will just respond with a “Sorry,” and “do you want me to stop?” And we take it from there. Sometimes I say yes, stop, other times (most times) I say no, don't stop yet!

I think I'd rather take my feminist husband that I have to convince and cajole into spanking me rather than a caveman type that would bulldoze me. But every couple is different and every relationship works differently. We're still figuring out what works for us and I hope we never stop experimenting.

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