Parental Guidance Strongly Discouraged

   

 

    We went to the movies yesterday and saw The To Do List. It was very funny. It was also extremely raunchy. The premise of the movie is this nerdy girl graduates high school and decides she doesn't want to go to college sexually inexperienced so she creates a 'to do list' of sex acts. Really, I don't know how you read that synopsis and think “I'm going to take my mom to see this.” But someone did, or someone didn't read the synopsis.

     It's a Sunday afternoon, about 2 pm, there are about eight other people in this theater besides me and my husband. The credits are rolling, the lights come up, I am still snickering over some stupid joke and my husband goes, “Oh no, that kid just watched this movie with his mom?” (He says KID, but he was probably in his early 20's... God, we're old.) We couldn't hear what they were saying, but the awkwardness was oozing off of them. I can't say I envied this guy, I also can't say I have never been in this situation.

     We've all been there, right? Somehow, some way, you end up engrossed in a movie with an entirely inappropriate scene and you happen to be sitting 3 feet away from your mom, or your dad, or your in-laws... my palms are sweaty just thinking about it.

     I think we should lobby for some warning labels. You know, PG is Parental Guidance, perhaps there could be a HS- Hot Sex, or CBA- this Could Be Awkward. Well until the movie industry comes up with something like that I will just have to share some coping techniques.

1. Let's Never Speak of This Again

Movie: The Black Swan. It's artsy! It's about ballet! It's Oscar nominated! So when my father-in-law suggested going to see Tron with my husband and brother-in-law, my mother-in-law suggested The Black Swan for us. All was well, and then the plot got weird and I am trying to figure out what's going on. And then Mila Kunis goes down on Natalie Portman, umm, wait, what?

I can almost feel my mother-in-law tense up beside me. She is the most straight-laced woman I know. She's an elementary school librarian for Christ's sake! And now I am watching some girl on girl action with her. I think I stopped breathing. Thank God the theater was dark because I am pretty sure I was blushing furiously. My husband thinks this is the funniest story, yeah, because he wasn't there! But my mother-in-law and I now have an unspoken rule, we never, ever talk about The Black Swan.

2. It's Happening, Get Over It

Movie: Unfaithful. Why I thought this was a good movie to watch with my mom, I have no clue. I was like that kid taking his mom to The To Do List. The entire movie is lots of sex. There is a particularly hot scene where Diane Lane gets banged in a bathroom stall and I distinctly remember my mom leaning over to me right after it ended. She whispers, very loudly, “Oh my! That was hot! Right?” I. Wanted. To Die. But maybe she was as uncomfortable as me. And it was already happening, may as well address it and move on.

3. Avoid Eye Contact

Movie: A History of Violence. Viggo Mortensen is a small town guy with a shady past. Harmless movie to watch with the boyfriend and his parents, right? Wrong. There is an intense scene where Viggo Mortensen is arguing with his onscreen wife, Maria Bello, and the only way I can describe what happens next is angry-stair-sex. It's a super intense, super hot scene (my husband thinks it seems rape-y, but it's totally not) and you really don't want to be in the same room as your boyfriend's parents. This happened to a girl I work with. She said they all just stared at the floor and no one made eye contact for the rest of the night.

4. Remove Yourself from the Situation

Movie: Munich. Based on a true story, it's about an Israeli group retaliating after the attack at the 1972 Summer Olympics. How could this possibly be an awkward movie to watch with parents? It's factual, it's more action than anything. Oh, and then there is this insane hate-sex scene towards the end of the movie. One of my friends was watching this with her mom and aunt. She simply just got up and went to bed.

And there you have it. Four easy-breezy ways to deal with the ever awkward movie sex scene with your parents (or adult children). We can get through this together!